Sunday, November 18, 2007

Not ready

(I mentioned a while back that If I didn't have a photo to put up with a post, I'd use a random doodle. Here's one I did on the back of an envelope.)

There's a certain talk that I've had to have over and over. It's the I-just-want-to-be-friends talk. I make friends with a guy and then he wants it to be more and I don't. The sad part is, once the subject is broached, we can almost never go back to the way our friendship was.

Well, here I am again. This time it's a little bit different. In the past the problem was that I wasn't attracted to the guys involved. I think I find Jake attractive, but now I realize I'm not ready to date. I'm not over my ex-boyfriend. In fact, when I was discussing the situation with Rose, I slipped and said, "I'm not over my boyfriend yet." Oops. Not a good sign.

"You think you find him attractive? Well, can you picture yourself kissing him?"

"It's more that I picture slipping my arms into his jacket, around his waist, and having him hug me."

"Aww," she replied. Yeah, the extent of my fantasy life is hugging. It's frickin' adorable.

Here, in short, is what happened: Yesterday Jake texted me to see if I wanted to go out for drinks. I didn't think anything of it at first, because we hang out sometimes, but then I wondered if it was a date. After that I couldn't decide if I wanted a date. I decided to go and see. I had fun, but quickly realized it was just too soon. It's been months since Tom and I broke up, so I'm kind of annoyed with myself, but there it is.

I have to tell Jake something along the lines of: "I find you attractive, but I've just realized I'm not ready to date and you're one of the three people I really consider my friends here, so messing that up would mean losing one-third of my friends." Now I am dreading it and putting it off. Wish me luck, courage and tact.

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